Swimming

written september 10, 2008
I hate swimming. Let me give you the top ten reasons before I go into more depth.
1. Water
2. Water
3. Water
4. Water
5. Water
6. Water
7. Water
8. Water
9. Water
10. Water
Ok, those are just the top ten reasons.

Let me take you back a few years to further explain why I hate water.

1. Swimming lessons @ Porter Park Pool. Raise your hand if you took swimming lessons at Porter Park in Rexburg, Idaho. Be sure to leave a comment about which part of your body got frost-bitten! Rexburg really didn’t deserve to call June, July and August summer. Honestly, if you don’t get over 75 degrees, you should not call it summer. Well, our parents wanted us to feel like we were having summer. So, like clockwork, we were enrolled in swimming lessons at Porter Park Pool. To distract us from the fact that it was only 55 degrees, the pool staff put in 47% too much chlorine into the pool. I know about the chlorine conspiracy because I watched them test the water each day. They would test it, get big eyes and dump the water sample into the trash. Conspiracy I tell ya. But, you see, if our eyes were swollen shut from too much chlorine, we can’t see the thermometer. Pretty smart don’t you think?
2. Near drowning in the Pacific Ocean. When I was twelve, we went to visit friends in California. We went to the beach. I was so excited. But, after I got into the water the current caught me and pulled me under. My dad was close by and pulled me up, but not before I got pretty freaked out.

SIDEBAR: If my mom leaves a comment stating that my near drowning was last summer, I will discredit her. Yes, I almost drowned last summer. But a hunky, California surfer-duded saved my life. So, I don’t call that a bad memory.

3. Trying to save Luke’s life in Sachse, Texas. We lived in a great community in Sachse: Woodbridge. We lovingly called the homeowners association Nazis, but is another story. In our community we had 4 pools. It was so awesome. When I first started taking the kids to the pool, I went fully clothed. I was not going near that water. Pretty soon, I realized it was too hot to go fully clothed. So, I would go in my suit and sit far from the water. Pretty soon, I decided to test the water and actually decided it was ok. I started playing with the kids in the water and having a good time. Really, what could happen, the deepest section was 5’. One day Luke went under. This day I wasn’t actually in the pool. Well, I had to jump in. I got to him and got his head above the water. Then I started swimming us back to the side. Pretty soon, I was struggling. Luke and I are both going under at times. I was vaguely aware of Ali yelling at me. I tried to tell her that I was busy, but she didn’t get the message. Anyways, I finally hear Ali yell, “MOM! STAND-UP!!” She isn’t an honor student for nothin’!! So, I stood up and we were both ok.

Ok, present day. I am in serious need of a form of exercise that doesn’t hurt my “special” body. I have tried everything: walking, ellipticalling, biking, running. Well, the running was back in 7th grade when I was on the track team. But, I still have shin splints from then.

So, I am down to swimming. My friend Tonia has been swimming laps this summer. She inspired me. You might think it was Michael Phelps, but it was Tonia.

I have now been swimming everyday for a week. The first time I went I felt pretty good about it all. Plus, there was this cute guy watching me the whole time. I am sure you already figured out he was the lifeguard, but I didn’t figure that out for a while.

I am reviewing all the strokes I learned at Porter Park Pool. I have yet to put my face in the water. Don’t laugh. I will drown you. Then try to save you. We will both be dead.